I’ve Decided it’s Me

Problems with me I can fix.  I don’t really know how to approach an issue of this magnitude beyond accepting that I am part of the problem.  That may also be depression that pushes that view as well.  Even if it’s not entirely me, there are things I can do to make the situation easier/better, so maybe it is a healthy thing to focus on those?

 

What’s the problem?

 

I live almost 1000 miles from where I grew up.  My parents and siblings still live there.  I live here.  I don’t feel like I’ve changed the core of who I am.  It seems like my mother at least has changed.  We never had the easy transition from adult child relationship to adult adult relationship.  I’m not even entirely sure we’re through that transition either.  Maybe that’s normal, I don’t honestly know.  I’ve been married for ten years now and I have an 8 year old so maybe it isn’t normal either.

 

Especially with the election and my mind going toward things political, things have seemed different.  I keep getting drawn into discussions involving politics, usually at the tail end of a conversation and usually my fault.  Like I got asked about my facebook connections with extended family.  I’ve left those active simply because it would be more drama to remove them than it is to just restrict what they can see [and frankly I don’t really post much].  I don’t encourage that connection at all.  I don’t comment or like their posts [which caused some drama years ago].  Maybe it would be smart to remove them.  But then it leads into dramas and not having information about health issues of grandparents because I am just kept out of the loop.  I made an offhand comment that I had unfriended people from high school due to ugliness [my mistake – giving too much information] but I believed that leaving the extended family on there was less an issue than removing them.

 

Well then of course I get asked about what ugliness.  And an offhand answer doesn’t suffice.  They want details and specifics.  I should know better by now.  They believe information is power and somehow when I’m talking to them, I turn into a little girl again once in a while and just run off at the mouth with every bit of information I have.

 

Yeah, I nuked my facebook a month or so ago because I was tired of logging on to ugliness and hatred.  And most of the people I removed are of the liberal persuasion – who hate anyone who voted for Trump or who calls themself conservative or Christian.  It seemed reasonable that these people, whom I haven’t seen since high school or college and who I have no connection with and really didn’t like to begin with, be removed from my facebook when they were uttering pure hatred and stupidity.  Why should I have to read it?

 

And I still have liberals on my feed – I didn’t just go through and whole sale take them all off.  I just got tired of the hate and worrying about pleasing people I really didn’t care about and who really didn’t care about me either.  Not one person I removed has noticed, commented or cared to ask why.  And I’m not shocked by that either or even bothered.  None of the people I removed remembered my birthday.  A lot of wasted time that was – reading those screeds from people I don’t really know or care about.  Don’t just add everyone you knew in high school and college to your facebook.  Seriously, save yourself that time and insanity and if you choose to belong to social media, take care with who you’re friends with.

 

Anyway, back to the parents, or my mom.  She’s very anti-Trump.  To the point where I’m not sure I’d admit to having voted for Trump if asked.  I’ve already told hubby that I’ll just claim I voted for Harambe if it comes up.  On the other hand, I voted for Trump, reluctantly, but the alternative didn’t seem like one for me.

 

We were headed toward a confrontation the last time we were down but holiday events derailed that.  I started to try and read more to prepare to be able to debate her.  And then I realized that I needed to stop preparing for a debate and instead prepare me – for peace, for withstanding cutting remarks if necessary.  I learned the lesson well from watching my father and my grandmother [his mother] debate when I was a child – the moment you get emotional, you’ve lost the argument.  My grandmother ALWAYS lost.

 

I don’t hate anyone.  I don’t have the time or energy to spend on that.  I started down that road once many years ago and it’s truly not worth it or what it would do to me.  I love my mother, regardless of her beliefs or how far they differ from mine.  But I constantly struggle between being myself and keeping the peace.  There has to be a balance.  I don’t want to be in anyone’s face about things, but I also want to be me.  And I won’t ever claim something is okay if God says it isn’t.

 

But if I see you wearing a safety pin, claiming to be a safe person to talk to, I can be fairly sure that you’re not safe for me to speak with as openly as you claim.

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Busy Month

We’ve had quite a busy month!  And still plenty more to go in the month!  We had a busy Mother’s Day weekend, complete with a day trip.  We thought it would be a fun outing but it turned out to be a royal pain instead.  We had our son’s yearly testing [he did really well].  We also have our yearly homeschool conference coming up later in the month as well.  I’m really excited because I have a few ideas on things to add for next year and what I want to buy.

 

I suspect I’ve also been somewhat quiet because of other reasons.  I doubt myself and what I post.  I don’t want to get too personal but I also want to express how I feel.  I’m raising my son in some ways very different than how I was raised.  I went to public school.  My parents were always very involved but they didn’t choose to homeschool until my youngest sister got to high school.  They also raised three girls.  I’ve got a very active little boy who thinks nothing like my sisters and I did.  I grew up in the city.  We live in a little country town.  And while it’s different, I still hear my mom or dad come through in what I say.

 

I’ve also been dealing with two medical issues.  First of all, I have arthritis.  I’ve had it since I was twelve years old as I mentioned in a previous post.  It’s being kept in check right now but I’m tired most of the time and high activity days can wreck me pretty badly for a day or two after the fact.  I’ve missed a lot more church than I like between the arthritis and the side effects of some of the medicines I’m on.

 

Second, and I don’t believe I’ve talked about this before, is that we’re trying to conceive again.  We’ve been trying for a while in fact [years] but I’m on medicine the last few months to try and help that along.  That’s made the last few months something of an emotional roller coaster and one I’ve been reluctant to share and talk about.  We’re trying to trust God, something that seems to come much easier to my husband than I.  We feel like we’ve been led here but at the same time trying to trust his timing.

 

Speaking of emotional roller coasters… well they make it hard to write.  My primary outlet of creativity is writing, so it calms me down, helps me work out problems, even if it is fictional characters I’m writing about.  Not being able to write makes me more wound up and it’s a nasty cycle that I occasionally will fall into.  Which is probably why this post is going to come across as disjointed and a little scattered.

 

In breaking the cycle, I have to start somewhere and this is it 🙂   I also have to stop trying to be perfect in what I do, because I’m not and never will be.  I had a reminder today that my son has those same tendencies… that if he can’t do something perfectly the first time, he doesn’t want to do it.  I have to overcome that and I have to try to just be me, not some idealized perfect version who doesn’t really exist.

 

Hope you enjoyed 🙂

My Yearly Goals and Where I’m At

Back in December I sat thinking about my goals for the next year.  Most people call them resolutions.  I always hated that because I always felt required to make the resolutions I thought everyone else wanted me to make.  And I never kept them, because I never wanted to nor really intended to.

In reading Dave Ramsey’s book Entre-Leadership, he said very explicitly in there that if you want to keep your goals – write them down.  Otherwise you won’t keep them.  I’ve never been one to write my goals down but I can attest – you will be much more motivated and on point if you do.

And truthfully guys, they are for you, not everyone else.  You can give your friends the cliche ones if you must because I think everyone claims to want to eat more vegetables.  but consider making a list for yourself.  I typed my list on my laptop in December while sitting at my parents’ house.  I didn’t show it to them or my husband or my son.  Now I did very soon after share the list with my husband but starting it was my initiative and it was things I wanted to accomplish, not things I thought I should want to accomplish.

Where am I with those?  Mostly on target.  I wanted to read my devotional every day and while I’m caught up, every day has turned into every other day or every third day at times.  I’m trying to get better about that but I missed out on half the year last year and I really want to finish the devotional I’m reading.

I want to read 50 books.  I’m ahead on that at this point [yes I’m counting books I read to my son because they do count!].  Goodreads has a yearly reading challenge and I signed up for that.  I’m at 17 completed so far so I may end up upping the goal at some point.

I have a goal to write 200,000 words during the year.  I’ve discovered that even attempting NaNoWriMo is just a stressful thing.  It’s 50,000 words in one month and add to that – it’s November.  Thanksgiving is a big holiday in hubby’s family so we end up spending a lot of the month getting ready for that and starting to get ready for Christmas so I’ve already got a busier schedule than usual.  Another reason I can’t do NaNo is that November and December I often write little to nothing just due to lack of inspiration/aforementioned busy schedule.  Trying to find time to do NaNo is just unrealistic.  Instead I sign up for another challenge called Get Your Words Out.  Their signups are sadly closed until the lead up to next year but I highly recommend it if you want to do a yearly writing goal instead.  I’m finding it much less stressful and I’m even ahead on the count.  My blog counts of course, but I’m also writing stories and the like.

I’ve added blogging to the list of yearly goals.  I want to update my gaming blog at least once a month and this blog at least once a week.  Clearly I’m a bit ahead on that schedule but writing is my outlet.  The time to be worried is when I can’t write, not when I write more than expected.

And exercise is back on the table as well.  My arthritis is under a lot better control and exercise will only help.  I’m starting slow but I’m trying to exercise almost every day.  If I go out running errands, I’m skipping that day but that’s simply to prevent me from overdoing.  I overdid a couple years ago and ended up pulling a muscle cluster in my back.  Let’s just say I never want to go there again.  Ever.  Even after just a week of keeping the schedule, I’m feeling better.  Fatigue is still a constant friend but it’s becoming a different kind of fatigue.  If the weather will ever stabilize, I think I’ll only advance faster.  The wild temperature swings are not pleasant in any way.  I don’t think we had but a week of real winter this go around.

Declutter 365/Home Storage Solutions is another thing we’re doing, but more casually.  Although we’re not keeping up on the day to day, we’re trying to get things done using the calendar.  I pick and choose what I can do during the week and then tackle harder things with hubby on the weekend.

Anyway, thanks for reading my rambles 🙂

 

Woman Day or Whatever

Today is National Women’s Day or something.  I’m apparently supposed to take a holiday.  Well, I celebrated it.  I went shopping at Walmart, took my 8 year old son to lunch [a Wednesday tradition], did homeschool with him, did laundry and dishes and a little general cleaning and all while NOT wearing red.

I also had another woman be rude to me.

Shocker, I know – today of all days we’re supposed to be supportive of others choices and all.  And it wasn’t even over today.

I have two twitter accounts – one for gaming and one personal [tweetdeck is the best!].  I use the gaming one to socialize using my gaming pseudonym with people who enjoy gaming as well.  I refer to them at home as liberal twitter [the predominantly gaming one] and conservative twitter [my personal one].  Both have been buzzing today about Day Without a Woman, naturally.  One supports it and the other doesn’t.  Again, shocker.

So I was excited to see a topic in gaming that I’m really excited about come up on my liberal feed.  I figured it would be fun to get to share a common interest and since they were having trouble, I offered some advice.

Oh that was a mistake.  I bet you can guess where this is going.

A mistake that my hubby has said every man makes.  Someone has a problem and men will go into “fix it” mode and try to help.  I’ve apparently been around him too much or something 😛 because I offered some advice and commiseration hoping it would lead to a conversation of a shared interest.

They took that as me calling them an idiot and went into full on rant mode.

I felt bad and then what my hubby likes to say came flooding back to me.  “It’s words on a screen – boo hoo.”  Doesn’t make it all better but as much as I’d like to believe gamers have a community, most of it is superficial.  There are friendships formed of course.  A very few gaming friends have transitioned into real life friends that I’ve actually met.  But it takes years to get there and that’s never happened with a twitter only friend either.  Basically, put it in perspective.  Someone I don’t know said something mean.  Oh yeah, that does help.

I didn’t immediately unfollow them because I don’t like to act out of emotion.  I did apologize and did end up unfollowing them because honestly, I don’t want to have to tiptoe on eggshells on my timeline.  I can’t keep up with the people I follow as is and I don’t spend much time on there anyway and if I offend them so much by offering suggestions, I suspect it’s better for us both.

As for the day, I think there’s a lot better ways to get your point across than to strike.  I mean to demonstrate your impact, your answer is to not show up and lose your voice in the situation?  Not even lose your voice, you’re just giving it away!  I mean I have this blog because I’m trying to find my voice and the courage to say what I think about more topics than I usually would discuss in public.  I sure don’t want to give that away!

I don’t always feel appreciated as a wife and mother but when I have those days, I’m woman enough to tell my husband how I’m feeling and often it’s simply emotion or we fell into one of those patterns when life happens.  And you know what?  Men have those days too.  This is a people thing, not solely a woman one.

Well support a woman and her business, they say.  One super high day of support isn’t going to be helpful if you never shop there again.  It would be far better to spend a smaller amount each month supporting something than to do one lump sum.  It would help the business budget and save up and plan.

Also, maybe let’s try to treat others with respect every day, not just because it’s a holiday or a celebration or a strike.  I always try to be nice to the people who serve us and wait on us.  I mean we’ve heard countless stories about how a smile at the right time has saved someone’s life or a nice word has changed someone’s day.  That’s the kind of change you can be.

I Love the Smell of Baking Bread!

My son has decided that he wants to be a chef when he grows up.  Either that or we’ve been watching too much Food Network between Worst Cooks of America and Kids Baking Challenge with the occasional Chopped or Chopped Junior.  It only seems logical then that we working on some cooking and baking.  So aside from helping with meals, I decided we’d start introducing some random recipes mid week.  It also doesn’t hurt that we can make them and send them to hubby’s work for his team.

So bread is baking now!  I love the smell of it so much!  It’s not a new recipe as I’ve made it a few times before.  Sweet Irish Soda Bread seems appropriate too since we’re coming up on St. Patrick’s Day soon.  By the way, if you’re looking for a good selection of recipes – that site is phenomenal.  Mostly Homemade Mom has a wide variety of recipes and we use a LOT of them and they are delicious.  So definitely check them out!

The bread should be ready soon and I can’t wait to taste it again [it’s been a while!]  I need to find some kid focused recipes and plan out a variety of things.

ETA: My son handled cracking all the eggs.  He’d never done it before all by himself and he did it perfectly!

Yes Indeed it Was

Vociferous was my word for the day yesterday.  Yes, indeedy.  I have no idea why but I ended up using it in a story I was writing and it just occurred to me how excellent a word it was.  I have no idea why that happened but hey, why not?  I used it in a conversation in real life as well so three uses in one day!

We did a lot of cleaning around the house today.  We caught up the laundry and dishes that had fallen behind when I had a stomach bug earlier in the week.  By the way, just in case there was any doubt; stomach bugs are NOT fun.  I was absolutely miserable on Monday and not too much better on Tuesday.

My son turned on his mothering mode.  Which is very sweet but also weird.  He came to check on me every ten minutes or so when I had to go lay down.  He brought me a wet rag after I threw up and he checked my forehead once or twice to see if I had a fever.  His diagnosis was that I did indeed feel warm but he couldn’t be sure.  My husband confirmed that I did appear to have a slight fever after he got home.

My son also insisted on calling his Daddy after I threw up.  I had him bring the phone in the bedroom – no need to panic my husband [who was just leaving work as we called].  And hubby stopped at a gas station on the way home and brought me home a coca-cola – my guilty pleasure.  It’s better than chocolate to me and I love chocolate.  However, with trying to lose weight and live healthier and better, I’ve been trying to cut it back and/or out as much as possible but trust me, I was in no place to fight that battle that day.

Anyway, by the time my husband got home, I was back on my feet but I’d missed getting dinner on, so we ended up doing an easy night of sandwiches [one of our fallbacks for when life happens].  My stomach wasn’t right the rest of the day or the next really but by Wednesday I was back to normal and trying to get everything caught up – errands, housework and schoolwork.

That’s one of the reasons I love homeschooling – if I get sick, we can take the day off.  We often do schoolwork on the weekends – because it’s fun so we usually get more than the required days in a year.  It was a lifesaver when my arthritis flared up again – I could live with slow mornings and get to schoolwork in the afternoons.

I’ve had arthritis since I was twelve years old.  That’s an odd thing to hear as a child because at that point all you know is that it’s something that’s supposed to happen “to old people”.  It’s funny to me.  I never asked God why He did that to me or why He let it happen.  I always assumed there was a reason and compared to a lot of people, it’s not that big a deal right?  I mean there are people with life threatening conditions.  In fact, getting a name for what was wrong with me was a relief after a year of not knowing.  It’s something I live with and something I struggle with.  Some days it’s easy and some days not so much.  I had a morning the other week when I was easily up and moving on a cold morning and ready to leave the house early.  And then two days later, I couldn’t get moving and missed church as a result.

I saw someone on a blog reference that you have a certain number of spoons to spend [energy] and you have to learn how to spend them.  I’ve gotten into the bad habit of trying to get all the things done on Friday and Saturday and then having nothing left for Sunday.  It’s a balance I’m trying to find.  It’s not made easier that when I do find it, my ability increases, so then I do too much and I’m back where I started.

I really need to start trusting God more and worrying about everything less, including that.  And then when I do miss church, I’ve got to stop being frustrated with myself and feeling bad about it.

Welcome to Mom’s 2 Cents Blog!

Hello world!

Not really sure what to say but I guess I should introduce myself.  I guess you can call me Kay.  I’m a homeschool mom, stay at home wife and mother, geek and gamer.  I live in a little country town and I’ve thought for years about starting a blog to have a space to write well… my two cents on things.  I’m talking about all sorts of things – whatever I feel like talking about that time.  I’m going to try to set a schedule because that’s the best way to go about this blogging thing [something I am very poor at doing on my gaming blog].

We’ll see how this develops of course.

I should probably mention that I have been inspired by Dana Loesch and her ability to put herself out there and say what she thinks and what she believes regardless of the response she gets.  I would like to be more like that.  The person I am at home and the person I am in the world may be the same person but sometimes I feel like they aren’t.  I’m not shy about telling my husband what I think and how I feel about things.  And he’s always good about listening [even in those moments when I may be a little nuts].  I’m much more reserved everywhere else and maybe especially so with my side of the family, some of whom vociferously opposed Trump this election.

Nope, I’m not a die hard Trump supporter.  I actually supported Ted Cruz in the primaries [though Dr. Carson would have been my first choice – I’ve admired that man since I was given his Gifted Hands book as a child].  I voted for Trump reluctantly but with the belief that he was the better of two bad choices.  As Mr. Dave Ramsey says in his book Entre-leadership, “One reason people make bad decisions is they don’t have a good decision as one of their options.”   I think that quote is rather appropriate with life in general.

Anyway, welcome to my corner of the web!