Tag: This is Who I am

I’ve Decided it’s Me

Problems with me I can fix.  I don’t really know how to approach an issue of this magnitude beyond accepting that I am part of the problem.  That may also be depression that pushes that view as well.  Even if it’s not entirely me, there are things I can do to make the situation easier/better, so maybe it is a healthy thing to focus on those?

 

What’s the problem?

 

I live almost 1000 miles from where I grew up.  My parents and siblings still live there.  I live here.  I don’t feel like I’ve changed the core of who I am.  It seems like my mother at least has changed.  We never had the easy transition from adult child relationship to adult adult relationship.  I’m not even entirely sure we’re through that transition either.  Maybe that’s normal, I don’t honestly know.  I’ve been married for ten years now and I have an 8 year old so maybe it isn’t normal either.

 

Especially with the election and my mind going toward things political, things have seemed different.  I keep getting drawn into discussions involving politics, usually at the tail end of a conversation and usually my fault.  Like I got asked about my facebook connections with extended family.  I’ve left those active simply because it would be more drama to remove them than it is to just restrict what they can see [and frankly I don’t really post much].  I don’t encourage that connection at all.  I don’t comment or like their posts [which caused some drama years ago].  Maybe it would be smart to remove them.  But then it leads into dramas and not having information about health issues of grandparents because I am just kept out of the loop.  I made an offhand comment that I had unfriended people from high school due to ugliness [my mistake – giving too much information] but I believed that leaving the extended family on there was less an issue than removing them.

 

Well then of course I get asked about what ugliness.  And an offhand answer doesn’t suffice.  They want details and specifics.  I should know better by now.  They believe information is power and somehow when I’m talking to them, I turn into a little girl again once in a while and just run off at the mouth with every bit of information I have.

 

Yeah, I nuked my facebook a month or so ago because I was tired of logging on to ugliness and hatred.  And most of the people I removed are of the liberal persuasion – who hate anyone who voted for Trump or who calls themself conservative or Christian.  It seemed reasonable that these people, whom I haven’t seen since high school or college and who I have no connection with and really didn’t like to begin with, be removed from my facebook when they were uttering pure hatred and stupidity.  Why should I have to read it?

 

And I still have liberals on my feed – I didn’t just go through and whole sale take them all off.  I just got tired of the hate and worrying about pleasing people I really didn’t care about and who really didn’t care about me either.  Not one person I removed has noticed, commented or cared to ask why.  And I’m not shocked by that either or even bothered.  None of the people I removed remembered my birthday.  A lot of wasted time that was – reading those screeds from people I don’t really know or care about.  Don’t just add everyone you knew in high school and college to your facebook.  Seriously, save yourself that time and insanity and if you choose to belong to social media, take care with who you’re friends with.

 

Anyway, back to the parents, or my mom.  She’s very anti-Trump.  To the point where I’m not sure I’d admit to having voted for Trump if asked.  I’ve already told hubby that I’ll just claim I voted for Harambe if it comes up.  On the other hand, I voted for Trump, reluctantly, but the alternative didn’t seem like one for me.

 

We were headed toward a confrontation the last time we were down but holiday events derailed that.  I started to try and read more to prepare to be able to debate her.  And then I realized that I needed to stop preparing for a debate and instead prepare me – for peace, for withstanding cutting remarks if necessary.  I learned the lesson well from watching my father and my grandmother [his mother] debate when I was a child – the moment you get emotional, you’ve lost the argument.  My grandmother ALWAYS lost.

 

I don’t hate anyone.  I don’t have the time or energy to spend on that.  I started down that road once many years ago and it’s truly not worth it or what it would do to me.  I love my mother, regardless of her beliefs or how far they differ from mine.  But I constantly struggle between being myself and keeping the peace.  There has to be a balance.  I don’t want to be in anyone’s face about things, but I also want to be me.  And I won’t ever claim something is okay if God says it isn’t.

 

But if I see you wearing a safety pin, claiming to be a safe person to talk to, I can be fairly sure that you’re not safe for me to speak with as openly as you claim.

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Busy Month

We’ve had quite a busy month!  And still plenty more to go in the month!  We had a busy Mother’s Day weekend, complete with a day trip.  We thought it would be a fun outing but it turned out to be a royal pain instead.  We had our son’s yearly testing [he did really well].  We also have our yearly homeschool conference coming up later in the month as well.  I’m really excited because I have a few ideas on things to add for next year and what I want to buy.

 

I suspect I’ve also been somewhat quiet because of other reasons.  I doubt myself and what I post.  I don’t want to get too personal but I also want to express how I feel.  I’m raising my son in some ways very different than how I was raised.  I went to public school.  My parents were always very involved but they didn’t choose to homeschool until my youngest sister got to high school.  They also raised three girls.  I’ve got a very active little boy who thinks nothing like my sisters and I did.  I grew up in the city.  We live in a little country town.  And while it’s different, I still hear my mom or dad come through in what I say.

 

I’ve also been dealing with two medical issues.  First of all, I have arthritis.  I’ve had it since I was twelve years old as I mentioned in a previous post.  It’s being kept in check right now but I’m tired most of the time and high activity days can wreck me pretty badly for a day or two after the fact.  I’ve missed a lot more church than I like between the arthritis and the side effects of some of the medicines I’m on.

 

Second, and I don’t believe I’ve talked about this before, is that we’re trying to conceive again.  We’ve been trying for a while in fact [years] but I’m on medicine the last few months to try and help that along.  That’s made the last few months something of an emotional roller coaster and one I’ve been reluctant to share and talk about.  We’re trying to trust God, something that seems to come much easier to my husband than I.  We feel like we’ve been led here but at the same time trying to trust his timing.

 

Speaking of emotional roller coasters… well they make it hard to write.  My primary outlet of creativity is writing, so it calms me down, helps me work out problems, even if it is fictional characters I’m writing about.  Not being able to write makes me more wound up and it’s a nasty cycle that I occasionally will fall into.  Which is probably why this post is going to come across as disjointed and a little scattered.

 

In breaking the cycle, I have to start somewhere and this is it 🙂   I also have to stop trying to be perfect in what I do, because I’m not and never will be.  I had a reminder today that my son has those same tendencies… that if he can’t do something perfectly the first time, he doesn’t want to do it.  I have to overcome that and I have to try to just be me, not some idealized perfect version who doesn’t really exist.

 

Hope you enjoyed 🙂

Welcome to Mom’s 2 Cents Blog!

Hello world!

Not really sure what to say but I guess I should introduce myself.  I guess you can call me Kay.  I’m a homeschool mom, stay at home wife and mother, geek and gamer.  I live in a little country town and I’ve thought for years about starting a blog to have a space to write well… my two cents on things.  I’m talking about all sorts of things – whatever I feel like talking about that time.  I’m going to try to set a schedule because that’s the best way to go about this blogging thing [something I am very poor at doing on my gaming blog].

We’ll see how this develops of course.

I should probably mention that I have been inspired by Dana Loesch and her ability to put herself out there and say what she thinks and what she believes regardless of the response she gets.  I would like to be more like that.  The person I am at home and the person I am in the world may be the same person but sometimes I feel like they aren’t.  I’m not shy about telling my husband what I think and how I feel about things.  And he’s always good about listening [even in those moments when I may be a little nuts].  I’m much more reserved everywhere else and maybe especially so with my side of the family, some of whom vociferously opposed Trump this election.

Nope, I’m not a die hard Trump supporter.  I actually supported Ted Cruz in the primaries [though Dr. Carson would have been my first choice – I’ve admired that man since I was given his Gifted Hands book as a child].  I voted for Trump reluctantly but with the belief that he was the better of two bad choices.  As Mr. Dave Ramsey says in his book Entre-leadership, “One reason people make bad decisions is they don’t have a good decision as one of their options.”   I think that quote is rather appropriate with life in general.

Anyway, welcome to my corner of the web!